beauty all around me, drawing me to the sky…this is life

so much in my head right now.  bare minimum of two blogs, somewhere around three poems, a book–possibly two–and an EnTiRE pLaY just UP THERE, running around in circles. trying to get out of that cramped space behind my eyes and finally see what the world looks like outside.

it’s dizzying.

i’ll begin with new year’s.

there could not have been a more perfect way to start 2010. i kicked off my last night of ‘09 by driving directly out of town (ALWAYS a good idea) and into burlington to see tim, lindsey, jenna, kathryn and all the rest for two days. and it was wonderful…a true blessing to be in the company of people who have always felt like the hands of God to me. it was like standing in the middle of a bear hug…tim got a little cucpcake on his face of course, but that’s the risk you take when concerning good friends in confined spaces. i feel tim would agree.

a couple of other burlington highlights: tim as edward cullen, complete with conspicuous sniffing and intense, angsty gaze. ultimate frisbee in completely inappropriate attire: a hippie dress and boots, i’m sure the bruise on my shoulder thanks me. searching for a pinata–unused. moonbeam bloodgore…or something very like it. mattress pads…or something, um…very like it. valley of achor watercolors, brought to us by ben. aaand SCRABBLE–the ultimate in new year living.

we all drove home on sunday, just before the sun came up–that means i got to watch the sunrise (check.) then i went to church (double check!) and THEN i played one of the most enjoyable games of ultimate our sunday group has ever experienced (triple double dog quadruple CHECK!) i don’t know if it was the freezing wind, or the fact that i hadn’t played with them in so long, but i think most of us agree. there was just something unexplainabley great about that game. i’m so glad we played it.

as far as resolutions go, i don’t have one exactly. only a prayer. i asked God on the way to burlington to teach me how to look at things this year with His perspective. people, situations…i don’t just want to have His eyes, i want to have His mind too. that might be asking too much…i am after all a very small human…but God likes humans. He loves them. and when He placed my spirit in this fragile finite body, He already knew all the crazy questions i’d ask. all the too big for my britches requests i’d make…and i’ll bet He gave a hearty chuckle when his fingers touched my heart and his breath crept into my soul.  “we’re gonna love talking to this one…she’s filled to the brim with questions.”

makes me smile. to think that’s how it went down. makes me smile alot.

now, that takes care of one blog. maybe now everyone else in there will settle down for a minute and let my mind rest. not likely, but a girl can dream. especially this girl. like a champ.

see you kids on the flipside!

PS. i would like to thank sonny for introducing me to jj heller…i just received three of her cds in the mail and, after only ten songs, can safely say that she is a beautiful lady…with way good tunes. check. her. out. (bye!)

and he doesn’t say a word

i heard the strangest christmas song on the way to work today. not the good kind of strange…not the fun kind of strange…this song was the bad strange…the kind of odd that leaves you sitting still for a moment because, quite frankly, you don’t want to move until you fully discover exactly which level of creeped out you’re standing on. today (on a scale of 1 to weeeeeeirdo) i’d give myself a seven. eight if you count the fact that a child was singing.

here are the lyrics… (the title is “the chimney song”)

there’s something stuck up in the chimney and i don’t know what it is
but it’s been there allllll night long,
well i waited up for santa all christmas night
but he never came and it don’t seem right,
and there’s something in the chimney and it doesn’t make a sound,
but i wish you merry christmas.

there’s something stuck up in the chimney and i don’t know what it is
but it’s been there allllll week long,
well the dog keeps barking up the chimney flue
and we don’t know what we’re going to do,
cause there’s something in the chimney and it doesn’t move around,
and it’s been a week since christmas.

there’s something stuck up in the chimney and i don’t know what it is
but it’s been there allllll month long,
well it’s jammed up tight above the fireplace
now the house smells funny such a big disgrace,
that there’s something in the chimney and it doesn’t talk at all
and it’s been there since last christmas.

…yep. and this isn’t even the whole song. there’s a fourth verse explaining that there won’t be any need for the little singing girl to wait up for santa this year because, well, they already have him…

and they’ll have him every christmas.

creepy? …yes? …no? i’m going with yes. mostly because a little girl is singing about santa’s dead body rotting in her chimney. that just doesn’t say christmas to me. law and order svu? sure. god bless us everyone? …not so much.

by the way,  i also tried to find this song on youtube, and at first i only came up with two options: the song as an intro to a medley of icelandic christmas songs (in their native tongue), aaaaand a video of the song in american sign language…neither of which really help capture the experience i had in the car this afternoon. however, on a second search, i definitely found it. there’s no picture…just a black screen and the raspy voice of a child. but i think that sets the mood, so…enjoy:

the moon in all her wildness

back in my room for the moment, waiting for my brother to get home. his eighteen wheeler is as tall as our house. it has a bed, microwave, and crock pot. i may just camp in it while he’s here and let him have my room. (and then, maybe if he’s not looking, i can take the hermit house for a little spinny spin.) i’m sure he won’t mind. mostly because i will not mention it.

the march for life is coming up, and i am so glad. last year at this time i was not glad…in fact, to my own detrimental surprise, i found myself debating whether or not i’d even be going…not because i was unable, but because i was unwilling. have you ever tried to separate yourself from the plans you know God has for you? it’s a confusing and painful endeavor. and you rarely accomplish anything good in the process. that was last year though, and today is a new day. and i am a new creation. a creation that is very, very pleased to know that, not only will she be going to the march, she will also be taking some pretty awesome young people with her. it’s going to be a good trip. and i love that God has allowed me to take it one more time.

still praying about plans for next year. still waiting to see what doors God will open. He has given so much this year already. He gave st. peter’s the yuhannas…He gave becca a house, a husband, and then followed it all up with a child…He gave me a daytime position, the chance to attend the house of bishops, and a renewed friendship with sonny…He gave andy a new career…bianca a new baby, and mom the chance to see that baby in sunny california…i mean, it’s overwhelming to see all the things He has given…often without our asking, sometimes even without our belief. at times, i think God gives so graciously because He seeks to bring us closer…to Him, and to each other. that is not to imply that He is buying our love…He is not a grandfather buying gifts at Christmas so the children will like Him…i think it is more like a lover showing his unmatched affection for His beloved, saying, “look, i  have spared no expense, because your value has no end. you are worth everything.”

for the first time in a long time, i am looking forward to the coming year. i am looking forward to God moving me in the direction of His choosing, knowing that by doing so He will give me hope…that long forgotten seed…and the hope will grow faith, and faith will produce love, and love will find me in a garden of light lit with the joy and sorrow that comes from experiencing life with broken people.

that is my aim. and i know it’s a high one, but shooting for anything lower never seems to work for me. i want to live the gospels. i want to know God’s voice the way ezekiel knew it…or samuel…or paul. a simple enough task i think, at least in the end.

sleep well friends.

they left space enough

i cannot seem to put down my volume of rilke poems. he has to be one of the most wonderfully tragic and verbosely epic writers that i’ve found to date. and to tell you the truth, i don’t even think i found him…i think couch brian raved about him at the gypsy one night, he may have even had a book of his poetry…seems likely, but i truly don’t recall…in fact, i don’t even remember how i obtained the collection sitting on the floor beside me tonight…BUT, i do know this: the selected poems of rainer maria rilke is currently one of the best purchases i may (or may not) have made in the history of all poetry type buys.

enjoy this with me (from “orpheus. eurydice. hermes”) :

The god of speed and distant messages,
a traveler’s hood above his shining eyes,
his slender staff held out in front of him,
and little wings fluttering at his ankles;
and on his left arm, barely touching it: she.

A woman so loved that from one lyre there came
more lament than from all lamenting women;
that a whole world of lament arose, in which
all nature reappeared: forest and valley,
road and village, field and stream and animal;
and that around this lament-world, even as
around the other earth, a sun revolved
and a silent star-filled heaven, a lament-
heaven, with its own, disfigured stars–:
So greatly was she loved.

*sigh* a lament filled world with silent, disfigured stars…a writer’s paradise to be sure. perhaps even our most natural habitat, brought to you with beauty and sorrow by a man who believed wholeheartedly that a thorn prick from a rose would be the event that ended his life. (i kid you not. he wrote a poem specifically for that moment.) …makes the tortured artist in me smile.

aside from that, i’m also reading that hideous strength by cs lewis…which really complicates bedtime because i know i’m going to fall asleep shortly after i start reading, and i want to make sure i get a chance to read lewis and rilke. and then, of course, there’s the night that i finally finish them both and have to choose a new book altogether…it’s a tough life in the lurkum, let me tell you.

anyway i better clean this place up and get to bed. i have a few errands to run before work tomorrow so i should probably get up a little early. hope you enjoyed the excerpt. feel free to visit your local library and grab a whole collection…you might keep the publishing industry alive a few hours longer.

night kids.

monsters to be named

blogging is a powerful tool and an ever present form of therapy (at least for me.) and it has been too long since i felt the need to blog. the desire to blog. too long since i believed my words to be worthy of your kind considerations.

but no more, my friends, for both my love of blogging and my ego have been resuscitated, reborn, and REMEMBERED. and it is here, on this tiny insignificant wordpress, that i will display sarah howell’s latest attempts at sanity, daily living, and the written word.

feel free to join me. i’ll be here.