most of you know my heart for prolife. you know what i do on saturdays. you know that i stand in front of a clinic with others who believe the same as me and pray that God ends abortion. i pray other things too. i pray that God closes the clinic. i pray that He establishes His order in the midst of much hostility. that He makes himself known to the girls going in, the men staying out, and the escorts waiting to usher mother and child through their doors.

i pray for the owner. i pray for the government. i pray for the strength to continue praying. and sometimes, mostly on days when i feel the weariness of fighting in such small numbers against something so big…i pray for you. the collective you, from the collective church…and this is my question:

if we believe that abortion is wrong, that it grieves the heart of God, and that an actual child is being killed…why am i standing there with so few? i mean really consider it…this is not a guilt trip. this is a sincere thought that rolls through my mind again and again and again. if we believe, truly believe, that each saturday in a birmingham building on 17th street (or a thousand other buildings across the country) children are being killed, really killed, then why aren’t every single one of us out there on the sidewalk interceding on their behalf? wouldn’t you want someone interceding for you, if it was your life that was being taken? wouldn’t you want to know that someone at least showed up to plead your case…to ask for mercy…to acknowledge your life as it ends in senseless death? (is it possible that someone has done that for you already…)

if i came to you on a friday and said, “tomorrow a man downtown will be murdering ten small children at the park. their parents will be bringing them, and the police say they cannot interfere. no one is going to stop him…” wouldn’t you take some sort of action? would you call the chief of police and ask him to reconsider? call the news station and ask them to bring this to light? and when no one responded…could you keep yourself away…or would you show up that morning, nearby at the very least, praying and hoping for God to intervene?

i sincerely want to know. click on the comments section. email me. facebook me. give me your thoughts on this. what do we find more important on a saturday morning than the fact that mothers are taking their unborn children into a legal facility to be murdered. how real is this to us? to you?

i don’t think i’m being idealistic here. i know that many of you pray for the same things i do in your own homes. many of you have families with little ones that need you in the morning. or you have jobs that require you to work weekends. i know that not everyone in the world can physically come out on a saturday and pray for these children as they die. but i also know that there are many of us, so very many, who can…and don’t. and i cannot understand why.

is that too harsh? it might be. from what i understand, i can be a very abrasive young woman at times. i can be too much for people to take. but please know, please at least consider, that if every person who professed to be a christian woke up on a saturday, drove to their city’s abortion clinic and knelt down in prayer, that God would move in a way that we have never seen Him move before. not because He needs our numbers, but because He requires our hearts. God moves through His people. He will not force His will or commands. and when we stand in front of the clinics, when those of us who are able leave the comfort of our own homes–our safe, isolated spaces–we throw open the door for God to work.

look through scripture and see if that doesn’t ring true. look at the israelites marching around the walls of jericho. what if they had stayed in their tents and told joshua they would yell from there? what if gideon had decided to stay put in the wine press? or if david told his father that he didn’t want to take his brothers any food on the battlefied, that he much preferred to just stay home? what if Jesus had decided to remain in heaven…

that last question might sound a little ridiculous…but is it, really? because Jesus had a choice. He didn’t have to come. but out of love for the Father, He chose to die on a cross. and every day since then, He has been choosing to speak on our behalf. choosing to stand beside you, pleading your case before the Father with the grace and mercy of His blood. all of a sudden, we who were sentenced to death are spoken for, and saved. should we not do everything in our power to follow that example? should we not speak for those who have been sentenced to death? is it too much for you to get out of bed on a saturday and drive to the site where Death will be claiming the lives of innocent children, and ask our God to speak?

i don’t think it is. i will never think it is. if anything, it is never enough. Christ settled the debt of my sin when i didn’t deserve it. and i can never repay Him for that. but i can give Him my life, and i can give Him my heart, and i can try to live as He lives…as an advocate for those who the enemy thinks he has claimed. i  invite you to join me, and to become the Church that the innocent unborn do deserve. because no child deserves abortion.

think about it…get back to me.

your sister in christ,

sarah

and wouldn’t you know that God was not pleased with that?

more than that, He just flat out was not having it. wasn’t even going to acknowledge it. every sunday, there i was,  standing in my pew trying to worship the Lord, and all He could do was talk to me about going up there and getting a flag. and i would say no Lord, i can’t. by can’t…i meant won’t. which is a little thing called defiance. and the Lord, with the grace and patience of a loving Father, will not allow defiance to stay. because He knows it will ruin us. drag us away from the feet of our God and then leave us for dead in the wilderness.

God knew all of this. and i knew all of this. and over the last eight months i have felt Him prodding away at any sense of hesitation or defiance in my spirit, slowly and carefully removing them from my heart. now a few of those proddings were very direct. and i may or may not have rolled my eyes in public. but many of them were simply just consistent and quiet and kind. and though i tried very hard to ignore them, i knew a long time ago that i would have to give in. God’s love is just too inviting. and this morning, when the Lord whispered to me, yet again, go on child, worship like you were meant to…something in me just faded. my flesh. my rebellion. my fear. whatever part of me that had kept the fight going just fell away, and my heart was relinquished back to God.

with some amount of trembling, i walked myself to the right side of the church, just beside the altar, picked up a flag and began–for the first time since i moved here–to truly and whole heartedly worship the Lord.

and then, like every moment where we choose to set aside our excuses and finally follow Him, i immediately wondered why i had waited this long. as i waved this beautiful purple flag back and forth before the altar, a little clumsiness here and there, i recognized the folly in my shameless refusal, and knew that i knew that i knew that this was something i was meant for, that God had only been asking me to do what He had already purposed and planned for me. long ago. before i even came into existence. that’s how God works. plans to prosper and not to harm. and so i waved my flag, and i knew my God, and i told my flesh to just go ahead and get over it. nothing could move me from that spot.

in the physical, it was a tiny, almost insignificant event in the grand scheme of the entire service. most people simply watched a girl walk to the front and begin waving a flag. but if they had been wearing some wonderful apparatus that could let them see all that was happening in the spirit, they would have seen a young woman released from her own self-imposed chains bounding to the front and dancing with complete abandon before the Lord. because that’s exactly how it felt in my spirit. and i am thankful for it. and i hope that any of you who have ever felt that tug to step out and worship in a new way before your God will be encouraged, built up, and more willing to experience Him.

further up and further in, guys. that’s how we throw open the gates of the kingdom. peace of the Lord, and a happy pentecost.

with love,

sarah

late in the morning, a young girl, thin and unsteady, emerged from the door of the clinic. with the help of her boyfriend, she managed to get her frail form down the steps and into the middle of the parking lot. then she froze. her hand came up to cover her face, and she began to sob.

my heart dropped. i wanted to pray for her. to physically wrap my arms around her tiny body and pray for god’s strength and mercy and compassion. for healing. for forgiveness. for the soul of the child who, just a little while before, had been living so strongly inside her. she was a broken woman. a lost mother. anyone could see that. even the clinic escort, a typically bitter and indignant woman, moved across the property to hold her.

i would have given most anything to move across with her. to be set free from the exacting limitations of property lines just long enough to tightly hug this woman and tell her face to face, jesus loves you, i love you, and there is so much healing beyond this pain.

but i wasn’t able. and it broke my heart. and it made me wonder…fiercely wonder…how this escort could hold a woman to her chest, feel that woman’s sharp breaths and hot tears, feel the weight of her fragmented body lean and sway as her knees lost strength beneath her, and then still choose to support abortion. to deny its devastation. to believe that she was doing good when she led women into a building where their babies would die and their souls would be wounded.

it was a sadness that i have not felt in a very long time, and it reminded me why i was standing in front of that clinic.

i am not just standing there because the owner has bullied the prolife community for fifteen years, or because i want to encourage people to cross the street. not because i want to make a point and not because i like a good fight…we stand in front of those clinics because children are dying inside of them, alone and without dignity. we stand there because abortion destroys everyone it touches–the mother, the father, the baby, the doctor, the nurse. we stand there to be a voice for those who have none, and a testimony of a loving God to those who suffer.

i pray that i never forget that. and i pray that the women who walked into an abortion clinic this morning with a child, and then out with a broken heart, will find healing, and grace, and compassion. in fact, i pray a lot of things. and i know that many of you are praying with me. thank you for that saints, and good night. may the peace of the lord be always with us. and may abortion become a thing of the past.

with love,

sarah

It is, in a word…or two: devastatingly informative. Not only does it show how abortion is single-handedly wiping out the African American population, it shows just how much of our own government has funded, condoned, and encouraged it. And this coming from a girl who has done her research in the pro-abortion movement. I already knew that Planned Parenthood began in the eugenics movement, and that they currently target minorities. I even knew many of the statistics that show African Americans are well on their way to extinction if they maintain the amount of abortions they have each year. But to see it all put together from 150 years ago until today. To see the faces involved—presidents and philospers, doctors and senators—and to hear the things that they actually said out loud to a public audience…

It set me back a minute. It reminded me of just how dark the lie of abortion really is. How insatiable the appetite of death will always be. The Enemy wishes us to die. Period. He will do anything, anything at all, to orchestrate our destruction.

Videos like Maafa21 are vital to the pro-life movement and they are vital to the victims and survivors of the abortion holocaust, because they expose Satan for what he is: a liar and a thief. Ephesians 5:13 says, “But all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light.” The Enemy’s plan for abortion cannot work in the light. He needs our silence. Our darkened hearts. He needs us to close our eyes and look the other way.

I am not willing to do that. As I watched Maafa21, my heart was not overwhelmed with sorrow or grief (though I have often met with both in this kind of ministry)…what I felt was an intense longing to see abortion ended in my nation, and an irresistible call to set aside everything for the cause of Life.

I know not everyone feels that. I know there are other ministries, other gifts, other callings. But I will tell you this: there is not a single heart in this nation that has not been touched by the pain of abortion. Because our hearts come from God, our Creator. We are the bearer of His image. Our lungs hold His breath. And when one of our unborn, made in the image of God,  is sent to death in the name of abortion, it ripples through all of us. From the heart of God, to the heart of man, and back. We—humanity—are all left broken.

That is why I stand and pray in front of clinics. That is why I hassle the young people I meet to get involved. That is why every conversation I have seems to end up in the vicinity of the pro-life movement. Abortion is not only killing our children, it’s killing our country, and it’s killing our churches. It aims to silence an entire generation. My generation. And I am simply not going to let that happen.

There is a part in C.S Lewis’ Voyage of the Dawn Treader (the book, not the movie) where Reepicheep expresses his determination to reach Aslan’s country. He says, “While I can, I sail east in the Dawn Treader. When she fails me, I paddle east in my coracle. When she sinks, I shall swim east with my four paws. And when I can swim no longer, if I have not reached Aslan’s country, or shot over the edge of the world in some vast cataract, I shall sink with my nose to the sunrise…”

That is my heart when it comes to the unborn. I will speak for them, plead for them, and pray for them until abortion has ended or my life on earth is done. (Then I will pray for them from heaven.)

I encourage all of you to take the time and watch Maafa21. I also encourage you, as I always will, to participate in this fight against abortion. It is the Church’s responsibility to build a culture of Life, because we are the ones who have seen death defeated in the resurrection of God’s son. It is our job, Church. No one else. Let us join together, let us be informed, and let us speak.

now, for the full story, you probably just need to make it a point to run into me. i am far too tired to detail the whole event in this blog (awesome as it was) but i would be perfectly obliged to tell you the entire joy of it in person. i will tell you that i arrived at the concert thinking i would have to spend the show on the lawn…which i had accepted. but in a wondrous turn of events, in seconds really,  i found myself sitting with about a hundred other people directly in front of the stage, less than ten feet from glen, marketa, and the whole rest of the band. it was glorious. absolutely the best thing that could have happened.

the second best thing was becca tapping on my shoulder and tossing me the camera…which has video capability, and makes every one of us a winner. so, enjoy the clips. and enjoy knowing that somewhere in the world, right now, glen hansard is strumming a ragged out acoustic…and the sweet marketa is humming nearby…and the world is looking itself once over, thinking we are all going to make it. there is nothing that can touch this night.

…did i just end on a poem? hmmm, i certainly hope so…otherwise, why let our hearts hear lonely music?

now watch this:

or this:

oh, and DEFINITELY this:

]]> http://bonemanifesto.wordpress.com/2010/05/22/falling-slowly-sing-your-melody-ill-sing-along/feed/ 0 bonemanifesto http://bonemanifesto.wordpress.com/2010/01/08/beauty-all-around-me-drawing-me-to-the-sky-this-is-life/ http://bonemanifesto.wordpress.com/2010/01/08/beauty-all-around-me-drawing-me-to-the-sky-this-is-life/#comments Fri, 08 Jan 2010 21:36:55 +0000 bonemanifesto http://bonemanifesto.wordpress.com/?p=25 ]]> so much in my head right now.  bare minimum of two blogs, somewhere around three poems, a book–possibly two–and an EnTiRE pLaY just UP THERE, running around in circles. trying to get out of that cramped space behind my eyes and finally see what the world looks like outside.

it’s dizzying.

i’ll begin with new year’s.

there could not have been a more perfect way to start 2010. i kicked off my last night of ’09 by driving directly out of town (ALWAYS a good idea) and into burlington to see tim, lindsey, jenna, kathryn and all the rest for two days. and it was wonderful…a true blessing to be in the company of people who have always felt like the hands of God to me. it was like standing in the middle of a bear hug…tim got a little cucpcake on his face of course, but that’s the risk you take when concerning good friends in confined spaces. i feel tim would agree.

a couple of other burlington highlights: tim as edward cullen, complete with conspicuous sniffing and intense, angsty gaze. ultimate frisbee in completely inappropriate attire: a hippie dress and boots, i’m sure the bruise on my shoulder thanks me. searching for a pinata–unused. moonbeam bloodgore…or something very like it. mattress pads…or something, um…very like it. valley of achor watercolors, brought to us by ben. aaand SCRABBLE–the ultimate in new year living.

we all drove home on sunday, just before the sun came up–that means i got to watch the sunrise (check.) then i went to church (double check!) and THEN i played one of the most enjoyable games of ultimate our sunday group has ever experienced (triple double dog quadruple CHECK!) i don’t know if it was the freezing wind, or the fact that i hadn’t played with them in so long, but i think most of us agree. there was just something unexplainabley great about that game. i’m so glad we played it.

as far as resolutions go, i don’t have one exactly. only a prayer. i asked God on the way to burlington to teach me how to look at things this year with His perspective. people, situations…i don’t just want to have His eyes, i want to have His mind too. that might be asking too much…i am after all a very small human…but God likes humans. He loves them. and when He placed my spirit in this fragile finite body, He already knew all the crazy questions i’d ask. all the too big for my britches requests i’d make…and i’ll bet He gave a hearty chuckle when his fingers touched my heart and his breath crept into my soul.  “we’re gonna love talking to this one…she’s filled to the brim with questions.”

makes me smile. to think that’s how it went down. makes me smile alot.

now, that takes care of one blog. maybe now everyone else in there will settle down for a minute and let my mind rest. not likely, but a girl can dream. especially this girl. like a champ.

see you kids on the flipside!

PS. i would like to thank sonny for introducing me to jj heller…i just received three of her cds in the mail and, after only ten songs, can safely say that she is a beautiful lady…with way good tunes. check. her. out. (bye!)

here are the lyrics… (the title is “the chimney song”)

there’s something stuck up in the chimney and i don’t know what it is
but it’s been there allllll night long,
well i waited up for santa all christmas night
but he never came and it don’t seem right,
and there’s something in the chimney and it doesn’t make a sound,
but i wish you merry christmas.

there’s something stuck up in the chimney and i don’t know what it is
but it’s been there allllll week long,
well the dog keeps barking up the chimney flue
and we don’t know what we’re going to do,
cause there’s something in the chimney and it doesn’t move around,
and it’s been a week since christmas.

there’s something stuck up in the chimney and i don’t know what it is
but it’s been there allllll month long,
well it’s jammed up tight above the fireplace
now the house smells funny such a big disgrace,
that there’s something in the chimney and it doesn’t talk at all
and it’s been there since last christmas.

…yep. and this isn’t even the whole song. there’s a fourth verse explaining that there won’t be any need for the little singing girl to wait up for santa this year because, well, they already have him…

and they’ll have him every christmas.

creepy? …yes? …no? i’m going with yes. mostly because a little girl is singing about santa’s dead body rotting in her chimney. that just doesn’t say christmas to me. law and order svu? sure. god bless us everyone? …not so much.

by the way,  i also tried to find this song on youtube, and at first i only came up with two options: the song as an intro to a medley of icelandic christmas songs (in their native tongue), aaaaand a video of the song in american sign language…neither of which really help capture the experience i had in the car this afternoon. however, on a second search, i definitely found it. there’s no picture…just a black screen and the raspy voice of a child. but i think that sets the mood, so…enjoy:

]]> http://bonemanifesto.wordpress.com/2009/12/15/and-he-doesnt-say-a-word/feed/ 0 bonemanifesto http://bonemanifesto.wordpress.com/2009/12/05/the-moon-in-all-her-wildness/ http://bonemanifesto.wordpress.com/2009/12/05/the-moon-in-all-her-wildness/#comments Sat, 05 Dec 2009 07:00:10 +0000 bonemanifesto http://bonemanifesto.wordpress.com/?p=12 ]]> back in my room for the moment, waiting for my brother to get home. his eighteen wheeler is as tall as our house. it has a bed, microwave, and crock pot. i may just camp in it while he’s here and let him have my room. (and then, maybe if he’s not looking, i can take the hermit house for a little spinny spin.) i’m sure he won’t mind. mostly because i will not mention it.

the march for life is coming up, and i am so glad. last year at this time i was not glad…in fact, to my own detrimental surprise, i found myself debating whether or not i’d even be going…not because i was unable, but because i was unwilling. have you ever tried to separate yourself from the plans you know God has for you? it’s a confusing and painful endeavor. and you rarely accomplish anything good in the process. that was last year though, and today is a new day. and i am a new creation. a creation that is very, very pleased to know that, not only will she be going to the march, she will also be taking some pretty awesome young people with her. it’s going to be a good trip. and i love that God has allowed me to take it one more time.

still praying about plans for next year. still waiting to see what doors God will open. He has given so much this year already. He gave st. peter’s the yuhannas…He gave becca a house, a husband, and then followed it all up with a child…He gave me a daytime position, the chance to attend the house of bishops, and a renewed friendship with sonny…He gave andy a new career…bianca a new baby, and mom the chance to see that baby in sunny california…i mean, it’s overwhelming to see all the things He has given…often without our asking, sometimes even without our belief. at times, i think God gives so graciously because He seeks to bring us closer…to Him, and to each other. that is not to imply that He is buying our love…He is not a grandfather buying gifts at Christmas so the children will like Him…i think it is more like a lover showing his unmatched affection for His beloved, saying, “look, i  have spared no expense, because your value has no end. you are worth everything.”

for the first time in a long time, i am looking forward to the coming year. i am looking forward to God moving me in the direction of His choosing, knowing that by doing so He will give me hope…that long forgotten seed…and the hope will grow faith, and faith will produce love, and love will find me in a garden of light lit with the joy and sorrow that comes from experiencing life with broken people.

that is my aim. and i know it’s a high one, but shooting for anything lower never seems to work for me. i want to live the gospels. i want to know God’s voice the way ezekiel knew it…or samuel…or paul. a simple enough task i think, at least in the end.

sleep well friends.

enjoy this with me (from “orpheus. eurydice. hermes”) :

The god of speed and distant messages,
a traveler’s hood above his shining eyes,
his slender staff held out in front of him,
and little wings fluttering at his ankles;
and on his left arm, barely touching it: she.

A woman so loved that from one lyre there came
more lament than from all lamenting women;
that a whole world of lament arose, in which
all nature reappeared: forest and valley,
road and village, field and stream and animal;
and that around this lament-world, even as
around the other earth, a sun revolved
and a silent star-filled heaven, a lament-
heaven, with its own, disfigured stars–:
So greatly was she loved.

*sigh* a lament filled world with silent, disfigured stars…a writer’s paradise to be sure. perhaps even our most natural habitat, brought to you with beauty and sorrow by a man who believed wholeheartedly that a thorn prick from a rose would be the event that ended his life. (i kid you not. he wrote a poem specifically for that moment.) …makes the tortured artist in me smile.

aside from that, i’m also reading that hideous strength by cs lewis…which really complicates bedtime because i know i’m going to fall asleep shortly after i start reading, and i want to make sure i get a chance to read lewis and rilke. and then, of course, there’s the night that i finally finish them both and have to choose a new book altogether…it’s a tough life in the lurkum, let me tell you.

anyway i better clean this place up and get to bed. i have a few errands to run before work tomorrow so i should probably get up a little early. hope you enjoyed the excerpt. feel free to visit your local library and grab a whole collection…you might keep the publishing industry alive a few hours longer.

night kids.

but no more, my friends, for both my love of blogging and my ego have been resuscitated, reborn, and REMEMBERED. and it is here, on this tiny insignificant wordpress, that i will display sarah howell’s latest attempts at sanity, daily living, and the written word.

feel free to join me. i’ll be here.